Let me just begin with a few things. I love Star Wars. Who doesn’t? I really do though. I’m that person who stands in line early for the screening. I have the posters. I’ve got the Darth Vader mug and about ten different types of t-shirts and ugly Christmas sweaters (yes they make those and they are awesome). Star Wars quotes are pretty much a daily part of my vocabulary. I even have a Star Wars pajama onesie. It’s amazing. You should get one.
What I’m getting at is…I really wanted to like this movie. I was excited for it. I was SURE I would love it. Unfortunately though, I didn’t. I know. I’m sorry.
After watching the film, I just felt empty. Don’t get me wrong, there was some great stuff that I liked. REALLY GREAT stuff.
Let’s begin with what I liked: 1. Darth. My boyfriend Darth. He had a total of two scenes and they were the greatest few minutes I’ve watched in a movie theater this year and probably several years. I would sit through the whole movie again just for those scenes.
2. The robot. K-2SO. I had to look up his name because for the life of me I can’t remember a single character’s name. I’ll get into that later. The robot was voiced by the talented Alan Tudyk and had more personality than the rest of the characters combined. He was the only light bit of a very dark film. Much needed comic relief.
3. The blind ninja guy. What was his name? Let me look it up. Chirrut Îmwe. Yeah…good luck pronouncing that correctly. Played brilliantly by Donnie Yen. I want to see a movie just about him.
SPOILERS AHEAD! SPOILERS AHEAD! SERIOUSLY……MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD. Unfortunately, a solo movie about him is unlikely. Because, and I’m not even joking here, they all died. The cool robot? Dead. The blind ninja guy? Dead. His awesome sidekick? Dead. Diego Luna? Dead. The bland leading lady? Dead. Forest Whitaker? Dead. Mads Mikkelsen? Dead. DEAD. DEAD. DEAD. DEAD!!!
I’d have less of a problem with this if I had actually become emotionally attached to any of these characters. You want to have them all go out in a big fire-y ball of glory a la Butch Cassidy? Fine. Make us cry, but you might want to spend the first three quarters of the movie working on making at least the character’s names memorable. Jay? Jergan? Jessin? Jen? Nope. Couldn’t tell you. Don’t care. It was all confusing. The plot was all over the place and the character’s actions made no sense. Just when it started to get interesting….Mads Mikkelsen yoh!…..oh wait. Dead.
Also. Tell me this. If you have had sexual tension with someone for an entire movie and at the end you both are standing there KNOWING you are about to die…wouldn’t you, I don’t know, KISS EACH OTHER?? Oh no, that’d be too awkward. We’ll just hug it out. Give me a break.
I don’t know what number we are on of things I didn’t like, but here we go. Secondly, or thirdly, or whatever……..for God’s sake what is with all the CGI faces? I understand that Peter Cushing has been dead for a while, but can we at least try some side angles or behind the head shots instead of creepy close-ups of his CGI face? Same with Princess Leia. We all know it was her. We don’t need to see her weird CGI baby eyes.
Lastly, because I just can’t go on anymore after this, how is it that Princess Leia’s adoptive Dad, played by Jimmy Smits, hasn’t aged a single day???!!!! If I’m doing the math right, we are around the time that Princess Leia is 16 or whatever age she was in A New Hope. Obi Wan was old and grey in that movie. THEREFORE….shouldn’t Mr. Organa also be old and grey? But wait no….it’s only been 16 years since Episode 3, so maybe they can get away with Mr. Organa having not aged too much (ha! 16 years has to have done something to you!), but how on earth did Ewan McGregor turn into Alec Guinness in such a short time? I know stress ages you but damn. Unless we had jumped ahead a few decades for that last scene. In which case I’m wondering why it took so damn long to get those plans to Leia. Has it just been sitting on a desk in a file folder this long? Did I miss something? What is happening????
Last thing: Good job casting Riz Ahmed in a boring role. What a waste of awesome talent.
Anyway. Darth Vader is badass. You are going to see this movie anyway. Merry Christmas.